People who frequently get taken advantage of are usually people-pleasers. Helplessly trapped in perpetual state of self-imposed abuse. Never saying the word “NO” always saying “YES” before a favor is even asked of them.
Use the following 5 tips to help grow your spine back and stop doing things for others who never seem to return the favor:
1. Blame yourself before blaming others…
The first on the list of things you have to change about yourself is your mindset as to how culpable you are in this mess you’ve created by letting yourself get taken advantage of in the first place. If you’re quick to blame everyone but you, it’s never going to get any better. You allow users to use you, by saying yes to things you don’t really want to do. Aside from situations where you’re forced to do something at gunpoint or threatened with physical force, if you don’t want to do it and say so with conviction, you wouldn’t be feeling taken advantage of. “Fred” didn’t force you to take his turn at overtime so he could go home on time for family supper like he’s done to you at least once a month for the last year. Your friend “Angie” didn’t force you to lend her money, yet again, after she’s done so many times in the past and never repaid you. “Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
2. Create a “to-don’t” list…
Starting today, you need to write down your entire “to-don’t” list. These are tasks and typical favors you do for people now which are leaving you with this jilted feeling of anger and frustration. It’s pretty simple to write all these things down, but implementation is the real key here. Just as you would work your fingers to the bone to get your to-do list done every day, the “to-don’t” list is going to require a level of mental fortitude you may not have developed yet. But you will. Keep at it and resolve to flat refuse to be a part of anything on the list: ie., working through your legally-mandated lunch break, loaning money to friends or family, letting someone butt in front of you at the grocery store lineup, etc.
3. Embrace confrontation…
This one is simple. If you’re sick and tired of being taken advantage of, have come to grips with the fact that it’s all your fault, have written your “to-don’t” list and checked it twice for omissions, you’re ready to start saying “NO!” as loudly as necessary to get the message across. Become the type of person that people know will NOT back down from their decisions regardless of how much pestering and manipulation they’re subjected to. Walk away when people just aren’t getting it, trying to back you into a corner — they don’t respect you anyway and aren’t worth wasting your breath and emotion on.
4. Express yourself instead of holding your feelings in…
Pretty near all of the pushiest make-you-feel-guilty users you’ll encounter in life are only doing so because they know you’ll cave and do what they ask. Let them know straight up how you’re feeling about their manipulations and most will back off, going in search of yet another to pull into their web of exploitation. Don’t worry about it being uncomfortable when you decide to confront users. Refusing to accommodate every person’s needs just makes you a human being and it’s an uncomfortable situation for pretty much everyone to have (excluding sociopaths!)
5. Don’t overdo it: know when to hold em’ and when to fold em’…
This new you who doesn’t get pushed around anymore will take some getting used to by all parties involved. Don’t try to become someone who won’t help anyone with anything. Consider just how stressful or inconvenient each favor asked of you really will be. Even if it’s something you absolutely abhor; giving five minutes to help a friend, coworker or even stranger to save ten minutes of their time may equal big karma points for you down the road. Don’t jump to an abrupt NO unless you truly know the other person is using you, or it’s something from your “to-don’t” list that you absolutely refuse to do for anyone. Even if you have to say “I’ll have to get back to you about doing that favor” — this is perfectly fine provided you show the person consideration and do indeed get back to them with a firm YES or NO answer.
Main image by Julia Shashkina
